Four Tips for Self Love

I recently partnered up with Lust Minerals as part of their Self Love Movement. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a huge believer of self-love. That’s because I know that it’s only when you’re looking after yourself, that you can vibrate at a higher frequency and create the life you’re dreaming about.

I think self-love starts with being compassionate and understanding towards ourselves and realising that we can’t always be hustling and achieving. Life works in ebbs and flow, and it’s super important to acknowledge that! 

There are plenty of different ways that you can fill up your cup, and the best options look different for everyone. As we move into 2021, I’d love to share some of my top self-love tips with you. These are some super simple but really valuable strategies that I’ve found incredibly powerful in my everyday life. Feel free to give these tips a try and let me know how you go! I would love to hear from you 🥰

Lauren Kerr - Babes in Business - Meditating on the Beach

Having a morning routine

I honestly believe the best gift you can give yourself is a morning routine. Whether its 15-minutes or an hour, I try to start every day by carving out some time to fill up my cup 🤗  For some people that means you might need to wake up a little earlier or get out of bed before your kids do, but it’s well and truly worth it. 

I’m constantly speaking to women from all walks of life about becoming the best version of themselves, and morning routines is something that always comes up. Introducing some kind of meditation, visualisation or gratitude at the start of the day is a simple way to get yourself into the right mindset before tackling the day ahead 🙌  These simple acts mean you are reconnecting with your goals every morning and reminding yourself of what’s important to you, before the world tries to tell you something different. 

For anyone that is totally new to meditation and visualisation or isn’t sure where to start, I would definitely recommend checking out our recent episode on the Babes Talking Business Podcast. In this episode, we shared an open eye meditation that you guys can use as part of your morning routine to help you really visualise what the next level of yourself looks like and how you can best show up 💁‍♀️

Lauren Kerr - Babes in Business

Invest in you and prioritise your own health and happiness

This one might sound super simple, but plenty of women (especially mums!) are constantly putting everyone else’s needs before their own. But realistically, self-love isn’t selfish or a luxury – it’s a necessity 👏  You are no help to anyone when you’re burnt out, depressed or sick. Imagine how freeing it would be if everyone just took radical responsibility for their own health and happiness rather than being a burden on their family and friends? 

✔️ My tip for you is to remember you are worthy of investing in

✔️ You matter

✔️ Your health and happiness is important

Start by asking yourself, what is one thing you can do today to be a healthier and happier version of yourself? I like to start my morning by moving my body, meditating and nourishing my body before starting the day 🧘‍♀️ What could you do? If you need some help working out what you could do to make yourself happy, I have a free happiness test here. It only takes half an hour to do but is a great place to start to work out how you can best invest in you this year 💥

Put some time aside this week to look at your money

I know for plenty of women, this isn’t a fun job! It’s much easier to stick your head in the sand and try to ignore it, but getting comfortable and familiar with your finances is super important and one of the greatest acts of self love. Have you heard the saying “Your self worth is a direct reflection of your net worth”? I’m sure you can all relate!

When you don’t have money, you feel anxious, scared and worried. So, getting on top of your finances is the easiest way to feel empowered and to discover that next level of self-worth. 

Do yourself a favour and put some time aside to look at your money, get your 2021 budget sorted and even work on your financial literacy or wealth creation strategies. I see so many women giving their power away by not being empowered with their own money and find themselves in really difficult situations or relationships 😢 

Money isn’t just freedom, it’s how you have security, safety and choices. Have a look at the ‘not so fun facts’ below from our Free side hustle guide to understand why I believe this is one of the best gifts you can give yourself (especially as a women) 🙌💄

Does this sound like something you need help with? I’ve got you babe. We’ve put together a guide that breaks down how to kickstart your side hustle ⚡️ It goes through different ways to generate an income and the wide range of potential income streams that you can make the most of. 

Protecting your energy

Do you know how to say no? Are you okay with saying no? Every time you say yes to something that you would rather not do, you’re actually saying no to yourself 😳 The thing that most often comes at an expense of saying yes, is time for you.

That’s time for you to work on your goals, time for you to put aside to prioritise the things you deem important like your friends, your family, your health, your happiness, or time for you to rest yourself. 

I would love for you to focus on being really protective of yourself and your energy this year - Consciously investing your energy with people who love you, support you, lift you up and cheer you on.

Say yes to the people that enrich your life and be okay with saying no to the people and things that feel like they’re constantly taking from you. Say no frequently, firmly and consciously. And ask yourself, does this energetic exchange feel fair? 

These are just four ideas to get you started on your journey of self-love! If you’re looking for even more resources, this is a topic that I dive deep into in my book – which you can get your hands on here, or order from any big book retailer to listen to on audible!

2021 is going to be your year babe, I already know it 💖

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY 🤶 How to find joy more often🎄

🤶Christmas is around the corner ☃️

And we’re on the home run to the end of 2020 now. Crazy, right? It’s been a year of slowing down, surrendering and I’ve had so many breakthroughs. I’ve had the time to dismantle a lot of my self-limiting beliefs which I believe was necessary to take me to that next level and depth in life, business and relationships. 

While there has been plenty of joy in my year, I also acknowledge the challenges we’ve faced too...

When I’ve stopped to ask people how they are over the past few weeks/months, the most common responses that come up are: 

1. Overwhelmed. 😅

2. Worried. 😳

3. Uncertain. 😥

4. Anxious. 🥺

And I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t felt these emotions too! 😅

These feelings are normal… 🤗

Firstly, it’s essential to acknowledge that these feelings are totally normal after the year we’ve all had. Life as we knew it was completely turned on its head 🤯 and we’ve seen changes in just about every aspect of our lifestyles. 

A good indicator of your mental health is that you feel appropriate feelings. So don’t be angry at yourself for being overwhelmed, being stressed or feeling worried right now, because the fact that you’re even feeling those emotions means that you actually do have good mental health because those are all natural responses to the usual circumstances you’ve lived through this year. 

Amongst the chaos this year, my best friend was busy growing a beautiful baby girl! There are so many positives and gifts that come from 2020. P.S I am in another pretty skirt from BABYLEMONADE. Use the discount code: BIB for 15% off!

Expanding my knowledge…

With my background in psychology, it’s no secret how passionate I am about mental health and holistic health 🙈 I recently spent a few days with leading researchers and experts in the area at “The Happiness and its Causes” Conference.

This event happens every year and is an excellent opportunity for health professionals to share the most recent positive psychology research so we can learn how to apply these findings in our lives, relationships, careers and businesses. 

It was so incredible to be a part of these discussions and build my own knowledge, but what’s knowledge if it’s not shared? If people aren’t sharing the resources and information they have, how can we possibly become collectively happier and healthier?

So that’s what I’m here to do now… 💁‍♀‍

One of the leading causes of death for people my age (which is the same age as many of my followers!) is suicide. It’s obviously not a light and easy conversation to have, but it’s also a necessity with 1 in 4 sometime in our life experiencing depression.

It’s something that’s affecting all of us…🤯

And that’s why it’s essential that we talk about it 💬, share constructive strategies to go through it and even replace these feelings with more joy.  

One of my favourite speakers at the event spoke about how we can find joy on demand. ❤️

And what better opportunity to talk about finding joy 💬 than the start of the jolly season🎄! So here are a few of my golden nuggets:

Tuning into the ‘Happiness and it’s causes’ Virtual Conference in another pretty dress from BABYLEMONADE. Use discount code: BIB for 15% off your Christmas and summer dress shopping👗 it's pretty much all you will see me in this summer 😉

🤶 Joy is a feeling that you feel moment to moment… 

A lot of people speak about happiness, but they’re actually referring to the elated feeling of joy.

Happiness is more of your attitude or overall perspective on life…

Joy is something that you have to find and grasp onto in every moment. The most recent research is showing that you can ease yourself into these feelings, and it’s actually your brain’s default setting, so you have a sustainable source that is infinite and can be unlocked at anytime!

Meditation…

Many people understanding the importance of having a nourishing diet and moving their body, yet few fewer realise how important it is to look after our minds too 🙈  And meditation is one of the best ways we can do this.

Meditation can decrease cortisol levels, helps build resilience, encourages compassion and manages stress... 🧘‍♀‍

This is why we have a whole ‘mindset’ section with meditations, life coaching activities, gratitude, moon tracking, manifestation and journal prompts for our members in our holistic health program The Healthstyle Emporium so they can be empowered to nourish their mind, body and soul from the inside out.

If you are a regular meditator (which I know many of us are ❤️), you’ll notice that when you drown out the noise, you get clear, calm and still. This sense of peace is when joy comes naturally, so it’s a great way to ease yourself into it.

Even just 5 to 10 minutes a day can help… ✌️

Knowing that joy is your default state means you can find joy on any day and at any time too.  

🤶 Take the opportunity to notice joy…

Joy is something that you experience in thin slices of time and space, but we’re spending so much time outside of ourselves that we’re missing the joy, we’re missing the moment.

When we don’t take the opportunity to acknowledge the joy, we don’t have the chance to enjoy the joy – especially given how short the moments of joy can be 😢

When you start noticing the moments, you can train your brain to start picking up on them more often. You have this part of your brain called the Reticular Activating System (RAS for short 🙈) which is basically a built in confirmation bias OR super power ✨ (depends how you look at it and consciously use it 😉).

If you start telling your brain what you want, it starts looking to confirm that bias. Your brain is so good at what it does that it takes short cuts to only look for the things you want it to 👀

The morning is a great time to do this...🌞

If you start your day by reflecting on your goals, highest values, writing in your gratitude journal or reading your personal mission statement, you’re activating your RAS system for the day ahead and setting yourself up to keep noticing those things.

Joy is no different! Start small and appreciate the little things, and your brain will continue to find those feelings. Use the festive season as the perfect excuse to start! 🎄 It might be watching your children laugh, cherishing the embrace of a parent or savouring the first mouthful of your pavlova 🤭

Noticing the thin slice of joy as I enjoyed a Champagne watching the sunset with my husband.

🤶 Be on the end of a kind thought. 

Another interesting topic discussed at the conference was the idea of being “on the end of a kind thought”. This could mean sitting at the end of your meditation and asking yourself “Who do I want to send love to today?”, “Who do you hope is having a beautiful day?”, “Who do you need to send light or strength to today?”.

These questions are proven to uplift your spirits and can completely change your outlook on a day. 

The idea came from a recent study where they were studying employees levels of satisfaction at work. Some loved their job; others couldn’t stand being there 😅 Regardless of how they felt about their role, they found they felt uplifted after setting a timer every hour and using the alarm as a reminder to stop and think a kind thought and send love to someone on his heart.

A man who was previously miserable in his job role, after this experiment reported to have had the best week of his life during the study – even though nothing actually changed in the workplace or his surroundings, he was just consistently on the end of a kind thought! 👏

🤶 FINDING JOY IN THE JOYFUL SEASON

Enjoying the festive season at our Babes in Business Christmas Party - in another pretty dress from BABYLEMONADE. Use discount code: BIB for 15% off your Christmas and summer dress shopping👗 told you it was all you will see me in this summer 😉

🤶Time to relax and enjoy the festive season 🎄

I honestly can’t believe we’re already in December?! It’s crazy, right? I know it’s been an overwhelming and challenging year for everyone between world pandemics, economy crashes, global warming disasters, politics and social movements… but I also think it’s been a necessary year for many of us.

And as we come towards the end of the year, there is no better time to be looking for joy in our lives, reflecting on our lessons and relishing in our blessings.

I’m hoping that you have a merry season with your loved ones and enjoy all the yummy food, drinks (I am looking forward to mum’s mango daiquiris on Christmas Day 🙊) and belly laughs!

Sending so much love from my family to yours and am so excited to see what 2021 has in store for us all.

How to get yourself out of a funk

Real talk. I was in a funk last week. So, I’ve decided to jump on here and share some of the things I did to pull myself out, in case you might find yourself in the same place. I shared this as an IGTV story too if you would rather watch than read!

Before we get started, it’s important to realise that nothing has to happen for you to be in a funk. You might just wake up one day, and your energy might be off, it might be your time of the month, you might not be feeling inspired or be struggling to find motivation.

If you follow the cycles of the moon, you might be in a phase of ying, rather than yang phase which is masculine and doing. As you can see, there are plenty of different things that can trigger these feelings, but you don’t need to understand it in that moment. Instead, you can honour those feelings and focus on moving yourself out of the funk.

Tips to get yourself out of a funk 

Habits

I am a big believer in the power of habit. I have habits for my business, my personal life, my health. For example, in my business, I rely on systems that spit out who I have to talk to and who I need to follow up. I also batch content so that I’ve got photos, videos, blogs, podcasts and ideas ready to go for the days when I’m really struggling to find the motivation and inspiration to create something new. 

In my personal life, my body wakes up at 6am now naturally after training it to with the habit of using an alarm. My next morning habit is usually to head to the gym at 7am or 7.30am, and then I always find time during the day to listen to a podcast, training or some type of brain fuel to help with my mindset. I don’t feel the need to go and actively do these things - they’ve just become part of my daily habits. 

It’s important that we cultivate these habits in our everyday lives because it’s pretty hard to pick up a new habit when you’re in the middle of a funk! By taking the decision out of it, I don’t need to find the motivation to go and do something, instead I lean into my habits that I’ve spent years cultivating.  

Credit: Lauren Kerr out with her girlfriends dressed by Baby Lemonade.

Speak it out

Sometimes you might know that you're in a funk or a strange mindset, but you can't actually put a finger on what you're really feeling. I find that journaling is a really good way to work through your thoughts and find some clarity. 

Chat with friends

It can also help to chat with family or friends. When I was struggling last week, I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was until I opened up to a couple of my close girlfriends.

After I word vomited my thoughts, I felt so much better, and it stopped my thoughts from spiralling around in circles in my head. Going over and over things in our minds is something that plenty of women struggle with, and I can't stress enough how much speaking through everything can help!

Sitting with your emotions

I allowed myself to sit with my emotions for a few days last week. You don’t need to make sense of your feelings, because sometimes they just are.

As women as we move through our cycle, our hormones will change, and that means some days we will have more testosterone and others we will have more oestrogen which will mean we will move through periods where we are inspired to take action and others where we are required to rest..

You’ve also got the phases of the moon that can impact your feelings, energy and perspective in everyday life. 

Rather than trying to judge yourself, find something wrong or justify your feelings, I encourage you to just sit with it. Don’t try and push them away, suppress them or hide them. Just allow yourself to sit.

One of the biggest things I focused on last week when I was feeling a bit ‘bleh’ was not to be annoyed or angry at myself for feeling like that. It’s simply not normal to feel happy and elated every single day, and it’s okay to have lower days. 

You can sit with your emotions by visualising your feelings as a wave. Imagine the wave coming in and then flowing back out again. Instead of becoming attached to the feeling or assigning a meaning, simply watch the feelings as an observer, a third person. When we tell ourselves that “this too shall pass”, it’s easier to show yourself the compassion that you need in the moment.

Intuitive Movement

Although I always rely on my habit of movement, I’m always mindful of pushing myself too. If you’re not feeling inspired to go to the gym, ask yourself:

How you do feel like moving your body?

You might feel like walking, doing a stretch at home, putting music on to dance around the kitchen or maybe just putting your headphones in and going for a long run.

Listen to your body and lean into what feels good, rather than forcing yourself into something that just doesn’t feel energetically aligned right now, and your body will thank you for it. 

Nutrition Support 

Every single morning, I have my nutrition support. I have my wholefoods shake and awesome wholefood capsules. But many of us are guilty of relying on emotional eating when we’re feeling sad, down or uninspired – I still do it too! The problem with this is if you eat sugary and processed food, it ends up making you feel worse than when you started. That’s because 70% of your serotonin is made in your gut, so if you’re eating like shit, you’re going to feel like shit. 

Credit: Lauren Kerr Juice Plus

The easiest way to keep your health in check when you’re in a rut is to rely on your nutritional support. Whether it’s a powder or a capsule, whatever it takes to help you feel clearer and calmer will also help you pull yourself out of that funk.

Another way of getting around these cravings is to make healthy alternatives of your favourite sweet treats, like healthy cookie dough or healthy pancakes (I love my plant-based powders for making so many of the dessert recipes in our program!).  

Credit: The Healthstyle Emporium

Meditation or Prayer

For some people, their spirituality comes in through their prayer. For others, like me, I meditate for my spirituality. I make a conscious effort to sit in a quiet place and I use guided meditation programs from our holistic program, The Healthstyle Emporium but you can also use free apps like Insight Timer. By allowing yourself to get out of your own head and into your body, you can be still and present – which is a great way to reconnect with yourself and reignite your motivation. 

Schedule Joy

Inside the Healthstyle Emporium, one of the things we do with our clients is help them create a joy menu. You may not be able to be happy all of the time, but you can definitely cultivate happiness more often by knowing what brings you joy and making sure you prioritise that in your life. When I was in a funk, I was having baths or a sauna, getting a massage, listening to music rather than podcasts, I rang my Mum and I had a day to myself down at the beach. 

Credit: Lauren Kerr Babes in Business

Today is enough

A lot of us in the 21st Century run one million miles an hour, and when you’re in a funk it’s so common to feel guilty for not being productive, on track for your goals or doing what you need to do. When you find these thoughts creeping into your mind, just tell yourself that today is enough. Think about what you can do today to find joy, to be gentle to yourself and to ride through the emotions. 

I find that when I start to implement some of these strategies, I generally begin feeling better by the second, if not the third day. I would encourage you not to rush back to life without having made time to reflect.

I'm guilty of trying to hurry back to work and wanting to skip the reflection stage, but I also realise that when I feel this way, it's usually a sign that I'm not ready to move through the emotions yet. That's when it's essential to be patient and give myself more time to sit with the emotions and feel it all, before trying to understand what it all meant.

But when you are at the other end of the funk, and you're starting to feel inspired and get your energy back again, get your journal out and do some self-reflection.

What did you learn from this?

What did it teach you?

What can you do better next time?

What do you love in your life right now? 

You'll know in yourself when you're ready to unpack your emotions and work through everything. All you need to do right now though is trust in the process and be kind and compassionate to yourself.

P.S Please know not everything has to mean something - don’t feel like you need to analyse everything from every angle. Some things just are what they are. Breathe in. Breathe out. And let it go... tomorrow is a new day.

This too shall pass.

Social Media Comparison is the Thief of All Joy

Hello there! 

What a crazy few months?! There is a lot of shit going on in the world at the moment. In Australia, we’ve had floods, fires, Coronavirus, an economic crash, the Black Lives Matter Movement, and we’re not even halfway through the year yet. I’m not dismissing any of this because I think it’s so important that we discuss these issues, but I also want to create a space for compassion and happiness. 

As you guys know, I’m a life and mindset coach. My background is in psychology, and something I’m really passionate about is helping overwhelmed and unfulfilled women find their personalised formula for success. Whether that’s in life, relationships or career, there is one key way to make sure we can reach our goals happily and healthily… 

The answer?

Learning that comparison is the thief of all joy. 

Guilt.

Plenty of women I meet feel guilty for not feeling happy or feeling that the more they chase happiness, the further away it seems to get. That's why it's called 'The Pursuit of Happiness' after all! 

I think this happens because so many women in the Western world do what they believe they are supposed to do or what they think society expects them to do. It might be to go to university, get a job, settle down, have a career, have 1.5 kids, get a mortgage or to own a house with a white picket fence, but these expectations are literally everywhere we turn. 

However, it's often the women that follow society's expectations to a tee that have the highest rates of depression and anxiety. That's because when we're so busy working to meet the expectations, we start comparing ourselves to others to track our progress. We're usually pretty quick to compare ourselves to our family, our circle of friends and other people on social media.

Take our free happiness test

Comparison on Social Media.

We're all guilty of comparison on social media, but what we often forget when we're scrolling on Instagram is that we're comparing our behind the scenes with someone else's highlight reel. Unconsciously or consciously, we take on other people's values. We see women going on holidays, getting Botox, buying a new car or going to an expensive restaurant, and we think we need to see, believe or achieve these things to experience happiness ourselves. 

This game of comparison doesn't help you achieve your goals at all. Instead, its actually a thief of your joy. Instead of understanding that we each have our own personalised formula for success, happiness and fulfilment, we blindly look at what other people are doing. That's where we get stuck in the mundane rat race of feeling like we're doing the same thing over and over again, without making any progress. But that's not how you live your best life, that's actually how you hold yourself back from living your best life.

Living YOUR life. 

I read a really beautiful book recently ‘The Top 5 regrets of the dying’ by Bronnie Ware, about her experience of working in palliative care. During her time working with people as they approached their final days, she found that a lot of these people were saying the same things, and the number one regret was "I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself and not one that others expected of me." 

It's a lovely idea, but I don't think we need to be on our death bed to realise this. Most of you in my community are in your 20s, so why wait until it’s too late to start living your best life. While you're still young, I really encourage you to stop and ask yourself if you're living a life true to yourself? If you know what your values are? If you're pursuing that in your career, your life and your relationships?  OR are you taking on other people's values, expectations and standards? If that's what you're doing, you need to realise that you're robbing yourself of happiness and health.

Lauren Kerr

Reversing the comparison game. 

The first step to living YOUR life is to catch yourself when you're feeling unworthy or when you start comparing yourself to others. You might notice it when scrolling on Instagram, and you start asking yourself why you're not as successful, as happy, as fit or as popular as the person on your screen. 

When you notice these feelings, you need to pause…  

Then imagine you are that person…  

A lot of the time, the people we are comparing ourselves to are actually doing things that wouldn't bring us joy. I know often I look at people that are out socialising a lot and start questioning why I am always at home or asking myself why I don't go out enough. 

But when I think about it, I realise that if I were in that person's shoes, I wouldn't enjoy it because I'm much more of an introvert. I don't really like socialising or networking with people I don't know, I much prefer my own space.  When I check-in and think about if that would actually make me happy, I'm much less likely to feel those feelings of comparison and unworthiness.

Accept your feelings too. 

It's also important to remember that feelings serve a purpose. If you're feeling envious, maybe it's a sign that you're not honouring your personalised formula for success or that you've neglected something in your life that used to bring you joy. 

Check-in with your feelings when they come up and think about whether you need to pivot your behaviour or if you're just comparing for the sake of robbing your own joy.

Say yes to talking.

If this is all pretty new for you, I know it's a lot to start with, but I promise it gets easier! It's totally okay if you don't know how to talk about what makes you happy and brings you joy,  but it's never too late to learn! You can check out my free happiness test here that will help you work out what makes you happy so that you can incorporate those things into your life, job, relationships and business. It'll also help you set goals that align with your values.

I also did a happiness masterclass for the beautiful clients in my holistic health program, but it was so successful that I've decided to share it with you too. You can get your free recording and ticket sent to you by clicking here. 

In a time where there is a lot of chaos, judgement and opinion in the world, remember to light up yourself so that you can bring joy to others. 

Our Byron Bay Boho Wedding; all the details.

Hey beautiful people! I hope you’re having a great start to 2020. Can you believe we are already half way through February? It’s crazy how fast time is flying. We got our wedding photos back last week and my heart is full reminiscing on our magical day, with our nearest and dearest.

After sharing our photos with our friends and family I thought it was only fair I kept my promise and shared all the details with you too (especially for you engaged ladies out there planning weddings - I know there is lots to organise and things we want to pick other brides brains about), so hopefully this helps.

Before I do share all the highlights - you guys know I am all about being real and raw. I don't just want to show you the perfect bits of life (because let’s be honest- that’s not reality). And despite our day honestly being the best day of our lives and everything we could have wished for (which is the honest truth)… everything leading up to it was pretty much a disaster!

No word of a lie - it was a shit fight!

You know how they say planning a wedding can be ‘stressful’? Well I think I got to experience that on a whole new level! I am a positive ‘get shit done’ kind of girl, but I would be lying if I said this didn’t test me. I won’t go into too much detail (maybe a VLOG for another day) BUT just to put some things in perspective, I will summarise it for you.

THE BLOOPERS

• We booked our wedding at the Fig Tree 18 months prior, after falling in love with it at first sight. It was slightly out of our budget, but it was gorgeous, so we paid our deposit and worked out a way to make it work, and then started saving.

• A few months later The Fig Tree lost its licensing for outdoor dining, which was a massive reason why we booked the venue, wanting our dinner to be under the stars. We were a little disappointed but it was still a beautiful venue so we changed our vision and kept our booking.

• Six weeks before our wedding, (after we had finally finished all the planning and started to relax and get excited for the countdown) the Fig Tree Venue burnt down and we had to find a new venue (for the Wednesday before Christmas) and plan a new wedding in 6 weeks. We honestly contemplated calling the wedding off, but we had friends and family who were flying in from all around the world to be in Byron Bay for that day.

• The Kombi van we had organised for our wedding canceled on us 4 weeks out. 

• The owner of the AirBNB we had organised for our bridal party to stay in the week of the wedding decided to sell 3 weeks out. 

• The week before the wedding I twisted my ankle.

• The week of the wedding Jetstar went on strike and some of our guests flying in had to book new flights to ensure they would get there for the day.

• And then a few days out, a vendor that we had never spoken to, that was involved with the new venue, contacted us to chase up an invoice we had no knowledge of, or had agreed to. This was never part of our budget (which had already blown out over the series of unfortunate events!) and caused Dan a few anxious moments!

WHAT IT TAUGHT ME

In saying this - I don’t want to turn you off. The day honestly was the best day of our lives (the photos are amazing, and reflect the many memories we will cherish from the day) but they still don’t do the vibe and energy any justice. I can’t wait to share the wedding video with you when we get it!

I would do it all over again in a heart beat and it was a really good reminder of what the day was about in the first place. LOVE. We knew we would never get the opportunity to have all our friends and family, that are scattered all around the globe, together in one place (and in such a beautiful location) ever again, (unless maybe at our funeral) and we wouldn’t even be there to enjoy it!

The process built my belief in Dan and I as a team, and our ability to lean on each other when life throws a few challenges at us (which it will continue to do so). I was grateful for the process because it shook me, reminded me that I am not in control and to not be attached to things or objects.

All that matters is family, friends, love, experiences and memories. I was so so grateful that on our day we both had our immediate families there, happy and healthy, to spend our wedding day with us, and for that alone - we are truly blessed and I would choose our ‘challenges’ out of a hat any day!

THE NIGHT BEFORE

Most of our guests arrived a couple of days before the wedding. Dan had organised a boys day playing golf, then headed to the the Stone and Wood brewery whilst us ladies sat by the pool eating cheese, biscuits and drinking cocktails (my fav).

The night before we had a dinner with all our guests who had flown in at the Tree House in Byron Bay. We had wood fire pizzas, along with a drink or two, before I left with my mum and the bridesmaids. We stayed at the Fig Tree the night before (as the dairy accommodation hadn’t burnt down, just the restaurant) and left Dan and the boys at our airBNB.

THE DRESS + VEIL (P.S I am selling these if you would like them).

I went dress shopping with my mum and my best friends a year before the wedding (I would suggest doing this as soon as you can as most places suggest at least 6-9 months turn around to make/order your dress).

We went to a few shops… I knew my style and that I wanted to feel flowy, boho, hippy and carefree (and just be me!) I had always known that the Grace Loves Lace dresses symbolised my personality (and everyone had always said that they saw me in one of their dresses).

Mum begged me to try on the Alexandra dress, which I honestly did just for her because it wasn't what I saw myself in… yet it was the only dress that I lit up in and felt like ‘the one’ when I tried it on.

It’s so true what they say, you might have a picture in your mind but you often end up in the complete opposite! I opted for the 120 cm train in Ivory. It was perfect, boho, elegant and had a butt tussle so I could dance (and you know that’s always my number 1 priority!)

I wanted the best of both worlds: to feel like me with my hair down with a flower crown, but also feel elegant and timeless with my hair up with a veil. So my Girlfriend Chani gifted me with her 3 metre cathedral length ‘Chani’ Veil from Made with Love, which I wore for the ceremony then let my hair down afterwards!

BRIDESMAID DRESSES

I knew I wanted all natural earthy tones and I wanted all of us girls to feel stunning but more relaxed like the ‘girl next door vibe’. So loose curls, natural make up and a champagne or oyster coloured dress. We had 2 hours together in Melbourne and were on a mission.

We found the perfect dresses in Shieke. Not just because it was what I envisioned, but because it fitted my besties perfectly. All four of them have sexy curves and great butts! It also hugged them in the right spots! I was pretty chill and said wear whatever jewellery and shoes you like as long as the heels were beige.

THE FLOWERS

I have no idea about flowers! I spent hours looking on Pinterest to work out what I liked and then tried to find a florist who could make it happen. Despite starting to look for vendors 12 months out, I had difficulty finding someone who was available that day.

Therefore, couldn’t go with anyone that had been recommended to me. However, I stumbled across a beautiful lady named Kerilyn from Lavish Floral Design Gold Coast, who understood my vision and put together a quote that was reasonable compared to the ones I had seen online.

I had no idea flowers could be so expensive! She told me to trust her and leave it up to her. I did and I was so happy with them. She delivered and put together our bridal bouquets, a throw away posie, button holes for the boys and my dad, my flower crown and flowers/vases for the tables.

Originally, we weren’t going to have an arbor because the big Fig Tree branches created one naturally, but with the new venue we opted to get a tipi arbor. So Kerilyn made two flower features for that as-well.

THE HAIR

I have had so many compliments on our hair and make up with people asking for referrals, but I didn’t get professionals to do either! One of my best friends Sarah has always been great with hair as a dance teacher, so we had a hair trial and played around with it a few weeks before the wedding. She came over to share the morning with the girls (gotta love some girl time!), helped us get ready and did our hair.

THE MAKE UP

I never really wear make up or pay to have it done professionally, and when it has been for other peoples weddings, Dan has never liked it on me. So I didn’t see the point in paying to get my makeup done, however my bestie and bridesmaid Gretchen - loves that shit!

It’s her jam and does it for fun! So a few months before the wedding when I was visiting her, she played around and we bought a palette from Mecca with all the natural peachy tones I wanted and she did mine and all the bridesmaids makeup. She rocked it with a champagne in her hand and time to spare!

THE GROOM AND HIS MEN 

To be honest Dan dresses better than me, so I let him organise the boys. I think he always looks sexy in suspenders so I suggested that, but he did the rest. We looked on Pinterest for some styles he liked.

We wanted to keep it in the earthy tones, and be mindful the boys wouldn’t want jackets, as it was on a Wednesday in mid December, in the height of the Australian summer (so it’s hot!). Dan got his jacket and pants from Politix, the shirts from Country Road, shoes from Universal and belts from Myer.

THE WEDDING VENUE

When The Fig Tree burnt down, Byron Bay Weddings (who we had booked through initially) helped us find an alternative venue. To be honest there wasn't much available with limited notice and being the week before Christmas (we were lucky it was on a Wednesday), however we had previously viewed The Byron View Farm, and although it was a little out of our budget, they did as much as they could to help us transition everything we had already organised to this venue. I couldn’t fault it!

It was a little tricky, as with the Fig Tree everything was pretty much included being a restaurant already. But with the Byron View Farm…it was just that. A farm. So every chair, table, knife, fork, light, serviette, bin etc had to be hired in.

Byron Bay Weddings did an amazing job organising it all, setting it up and helping us with styling. All we had to do was show up on the day! So like I said the lead up to the wedding was chaos but the day itself was stress free. We didn't have to lift a finger and we ended up with the ‘dining under the stars’ after-all! The universe works in mysterious ways.  

OUR RINGS + VOWS

Both Dan and I wrote our own vows and wanted thick gold wedding bands. We got the rings specially made with some gold that I had inherited over the years in jewellery I would probably never wear.

This was particularly special as it makes the rings even more sentimental having been passed down through generations… not to mention also cheaper. So something I suggest looking into if you have some old gold jewellery laying around the house!

THE CELEBRANT 

Our good friend Anthony (who has become such a big part of our lives since being together) is great with words, speaking and bringing people together to create experiences. He actually isn’t an official ‘celebrant’ but he had run the ceremony for our friends Chani and Matt who got married the year prior and we loved how he did it.

Dan and I aren’t particularly religious but we definitely have faith and wanted spirituality as part of our ceremony - but more than anything we wanted it to be intimate, personal and interactive. We also wanted to involve all of our beautiful friends and family that have been weaved into our love story ….which he delivered (like we knew he would).

It was the best ceremony I have ever been to (and I am not even being biased!) haha. We also had an official celebrant there on the day, Christina Blanchard was so easy to work with and let Ant run the show, whilst she took care of all the official paper work!

THE CAKE

I don’t like cake so I didn’t see the point in me spending heaps of money for everyone to enjoy something I don’t! Its my wedding, I am paying for it and I don’t like cake! BUT I DO LOVE DONUTS!!! haha! So we just bought 80 Krispy Kremes and my girlfriend Caity, who is amazing at cakes (you need to check her out), did her thing and made it look pretty. That was really all I did and her being the wizard she is - did the rest! She is the best!! P.S I was having too much fun I didn’t even get a donut in the end!. 

THE VIDEOGRAPHER/PHOTOGRAPHER

I am all about vibes. So when I was looking for a photographer and videographer online, I stumbled across Beccy at BXCSMXTH and immediately decided I had to have her! I love her stuff. It always looked fun and real rather than too glossy, posed or glorified.

Having her there on our day was even more special as her energy is beautiful and makes everyone feel comfortable (especially Dan who hates photos and rarely smiles in any I have with him… if you follow me on social media and watch my stories you know this!). She was lots of fun, we even begged her to stay and party with us!

THE MUSIC

When planning the wedding I turned to Facebook and asked friends for recommendations when it came to vendors. A friend from university recommended Josh Lovegrove. We did our social media stalking (like you do) and loved his tone! I’m an old soul and grew up on James Taylor and Josh sounds just like him, so I was sold.

He was amazing! He played acoustic and does some crazy looping. All our guests commented on how much they enjoyed his music. We had him play for three hours as canapés and Pimms were being served, whilst guests mingled and played lawn games.

We made our own playlist, which was playing over the AV whilst dinner was served and in between speeches. THEN IT WAS PARTY TIME! We had all our guests RSVP with their favourite song that they were committed to dancing to, so everyone was up and boogyinggggg!

I walked down to aisle to: Paper Kites by Bloom

Our first dance was to: Babylon by Boyce Avenue 

I danced with my dad to: You’ve got a friend by James Taylor

The last song of the night was a family anthem (such a special moment): Jackson Browne: The Load out

THE TRANSPORT 

We knew how difficult it was going to be, getting all our guests to the Byron View Farm with taxis and Ubers in Byron. It’s a pretty small town and crazy busy at that time of the year. Also, not that any of our guests would drive because we like to parttyyyy and drink, but even if they did, there was limited car parks on site.

So we organised A double decker love bus (London Style), which seemed fitting considering Dan is from the UK and all his family had flown in from London. We asked our guests to bring $10 each if they wanted to be picked up from two locations in town. It would pick them up and drop them off at the end of the night (if they were going home).

We had organised an after party venue at The Bolt Hole in town for those who wanted to party on! As a dancer (and most of my friends are too), I hate when I leave a wedding and it’s just starting to get going with good music… then I have to go to bed - so we didn't! We kept partying and dancing the night away.

We did end up organising a new Kombi van through Byron Bay Kombi’s, which picked me and the Bridesmaids up from the Fig Tree and took us up to the Byron View Farm. We were hiding inside in the cottage with Champagne as all the guests arrived in the bus. We also had the Kombi for photos after the ceremony. 

THE FOOD + ALCOHOL

When we were picking venues Dan was pretty chill, he just wanted me to be happy (you know what they say a happy wife, happy life haha). But the only thing he really wanted was good food. I’m not sure if it’s a cultural thing but him and his family have always really appreciated good restaurants.

Whilst me and my family on the other hand… if there’s alcohol there, we are good! So that was another reason we chose The Fig Tree Restaurant. Even with the change of venues, The Fig Tree were still able to cater for us at Byron View Farm.

Byron Bay Weddings helped us work out how much alcohol to bring for 76 guests as it was BYO we just had to pay for corkage and their staff would serve it. My only request was Espresso Martinis and Pimms!

When we had our guests RSVP they replied with their dietary requirements and their alcohol of choice, which helped us cater rather than guessing. We did well - the alcohol kept flowing all night, I never saw an empty glass and everyone loved the food!

The Fig Tree were great at catering for dietary requirements too which helped, as we have lots of health conscious friends including vegans, vegetarians and even the coeliacs were able to enjoy a feast!

Canapés - to begin 

• Byron bay mozzarella, basil oil, fresh fig (GF) 

• Mushroom & truffle Arancini

• Ballina prawns, garlic & lemon (GF, DF) 

• Grilled chicken skewers, mirin and ginger (GF, DF) 

Mains - served on platters for guests to share 

• Dutch cream gnocchi, pumpkin & sage (GF, DF) 

• Bangalow Sweet Pork, apples & eschallot (GF, DF) 

• Lamb shoulder, celery, mint & pomegranate (GF, DF) 

Sides - to share 

• Garden carrots, thyme & rosemary (GF, DF) 

• Puy lentils, leeks & red wine (GF) 

• Rocket, roast vegetables & Persian feta (GF) 

Sweet canapés 

• Figtree chocolate and raspberry brownie (Vegan, DF) 

• Garden citrus frangipane tart 

WHAT DID IT COST?

I know a lot of the time, the thing on most brides minds planning the wedding, is money - despite not feeling comfortable enough to talk to others or out right ask about it. But as you know I am an open book, and I don’t think its fair to talk about all the amazing stuff without also talking about how much it cost to make it happen.

Like I explained at the start we knew it was going to be expensive going into it, but we also got clear on why we were doing it and what we wanted it to be for us. What we were willing to spend the money on and where we were willing to try and save.

All up the wedding cost close to $40,000 AUD. We got clarification on the final quote (before all the mishaps) around 12 months out and then we altered our budget to make sure we were saving $800 a week to be able to afford it.

We wanted to pay cash and not have to get a loan, or put ourselves in debt, all for one day. Which I know most people have to do, so I am not ignorant or unaware of how fortunate we are to have built our businesses to a point we knew that we could afford that.

My Mum and Dad wanted to buy my dress and flowers, and Dan’s parents helped us by hosting an after party BBQ the day after the wedding.. 

SOME OF MY FAVOURITE MAGICAL MOMENTS:

So many people had given us advice before the wedding day, to ensure we were present and to take opportunities throughout the day, to stand back and take it all in, as it goes so quick.

I am actually really proud of us because despite being present and amongst it all, we had lots of moments together experiencing it, as what could have seemed like a third party observer looking at the bigger picture. Just being so grateful and having our hearts explode with love for how big of a deal it was for people to travel from far and wide, from around the world, with two families, multiple countries, two lives with lots of different chapters - all coming together smiling, dancing, laughing and having fun.

This combined with my love for my new husband was a feeling I can’t explain and why I would do it all over again and can’t put a price tag on it!

I had a reveal in the cottage before my ceremony with my Mum, Dad and two brothers and it was such a beautiful moment. I don’t have words for it. The photo’s captured some special memories but the real water works started once the photographer had left the room and my Mum and Dad broke down (I had never seen my dad cry like that before). They had me, my brothers and the bridesmaids all in tears!

Our MC and best mate Casey, had organised the King boys VS the Kerr boys in an AUS VS POM boat race as it was equal teams (…we both have two brothers!) It was the funniest thing to see as I thought my family had it in the bag for sure (… considering Dan had never seen his Dad skull a beer in his life!), but it seems like Australia brings out the best in all of us and it was a dead heat!

At the end of the night the last song, ‘the load out’ played by Jackson Browne (the photographers had left so it wasn’t captured). This song holds a special meaning to my family. We had our arms around each other swaying together and belting out every lyric whilst the rest of the guests had no idea what was going on but could feel the love and created a circle around us. It was one of those moments that gave me goosebumps. 

The Love bus (double decker bus) on the way home was PUMPING! It was so much fun! I think we were all jacked up on espresso martinis - it was like a two level night club. The bottom level was fun where everyone was singing and dancing… then you went upstairs and it was NEXT LEVEL! I could have just partied on the bus and never gone anywhere and still have had the best day! 

So my advice… LET GO + TRUST

As cliche as it sounds, it all happened for a reason. The day was a fairytale. We ended up having the day we had originally envisioned - it might not have been the way we planned it but sometimes the universe knows better than we think we do.

Sex, Business and Money

How to have it all

I love mentoring women to live a life of health, wealth and abundance. But one aspect that seems like it is "taboo" is the wealth aspect of it...yes, wealth in experiences and relationships, but also MONEY!

Why is it that when men are the breadwinners, and are proud of being able to support themselves and their loved ones, they talk about money and streams of income and they are just talking "business", but when women do is considered "rude", "arrogant", "cocky", or not "humble" or "grounded'?

The reason I am so passionate about empowering women to talk about about their finances is because 80% of women who are under the poverty line weren't when they were married.

Which means we either rely on men for an income or, we don't know or understand how to manage our finances or investments.

Did you know today, that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce? And so many women stay in abusive and unhappy marriages/relationships because they are are financially dependent on their partner.

Take our Free Happiness Test

Having children and losing an income to stay at home to look after them and shower them in love is one reason for this, which brings up my question to you beautiful boss mummas out there (or young women like me who are questioning when they will be in the position to be able to do so without fear of finances) ... when you are working for a living, when you stop working... how do you afford to live?

Obviously, you don’t go into a marriage or relationship expecting it to end, or a job expecting to be be laid off, but it happens. So if you're relying on a parter, a job... you're putting your future in someone else hands.

So babes, lets empower each other and make it ok to talk about it... Sex, Business and Money!

Girls... lets talk about boys

Hey girls... lets talk about boys

How many of you are on the other side of a beak up or currently trying to make it through one?

I did a live on this earlier this week and would love to know if this video resonates with you on how girls and boys deal with our shit differently.

If you have a gf who needs to hear this feel free to share it with her, sometimes they just need to hear it from someone else

If you would love to read some of my previous blogs on gender psychology and some fun facts on how and why we deal with our shit differently you can have some fun below, I am sure I am not the only one that wonders if we are really from Venus and men are from Mars am I?

A hug a day DOES keep the Dr Away

A Hug a Day keeps the Dr Away

So if you haven’t already heard or checked out our holistic health program the Healthstyle Emporium, it is our very own sacred space where we empower our clients to be the healthiest and happiest versions of themselves. With access to all of our resources, such as monthly educational webinars, one on one coaching, access to our amazing team of health professionals, it’s a place where you can dive deep on our meal, exercise, yoga, and meditation guides. 

The best part about it is… we have regular challenges! We are currently in our 14 days of bliss challenge, where we are empowering our clients with daily assignments, rituals and routines aimed at eliminating and managing stress - the biggest contributor to unhappiness, disease and belly fat! Day 9’s de-stress activity was HUG THERAPY!

So, what is Hug Therapy?

You might agree, yeah hugs are nice, but what the hell is hug therapy?! Hug, snuggle and cuddle therapy is a new 21st century phenomena sweeping across our high tech world, where people are charging anywhere from $60- $90 per hour for healing, clothed, therapeutic, nonsexual touch.

However the theory of touch is not a new one! Research from as early as the 20th century investigates child development in which nurture (in the form of a soothing touch) plays a critical role.

Security & Relationships

• Research has discovered how essential physical touch is, not only for emotional regulation in children but also in adults and has consequences for the relationships individuals form later in life. One of the very first studies on touch was the infamous Harlow study which demonstrated that baby monkeys prefer a cloth doll without milk as a mother substitute over a metal doll with milk. We have come a long way in conducting ethical research since then, and I think it’s safe to say worldwide we agree that babies need to be held. There is evidence that adults who were frequently hugged and cuddled during early childhood display fewer stress symptoms than those less-hugged counterparts.

• Hugs teach us how to give and receive. There is equal value in receiving and being receptive to warmth, as to giving and sharing. Hugs educate us how love flows both ways.

• The nurturing touch of a hug builds trust and a sense of safety. This helps with open and honest communication.

HUGS PROMOTE Happiness

As adults we can live without hugs, but research proves we are happier with them!

• When we touch others we release oxytocin (known as the “pleasure” hormone) which increases feelings of attachment connection, trust and intimacy and heals feelings of loneliness, isolation, and anger.

• Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels (known as the “happy” hormone”) which elevates your mood.

• Hugging boosts self-esteem. From the time we’re born, families’ touch reinforces we are loved and we are special. Association between self-worth and touch from our early years becomes imbedded in our nervous system. The cuddles we received from our Mum and Dad while growing up remain imprinted at a cellular level, and hugs remind us at a somatic level of that. Hugs, therefore, connect us to our ability to self-love.

• Hugging relaxes muscles, enabling tension to be released from the body. Hugs can take away pain; soothing aches by increasing circulation into the soft tissues.

• Similar to laughter and meditation, hugs encourage us to practice mindfulness, reminding us to let go and be present in the moment. They teach us to detach from logical thinking patterns - connecting you with your heart, your feelings and your breath.

black-and-white-free-hugs-grunge-hippie-Favim.com-2443097

Better health

• High levels of stress can weaken the immune system, making us more susceptible to illness and infection. However, research has found that physical affection also alleviates stress reactions in adults, by decreasing heart rate, blood pressure and cortisol levels (known as the “stress” hormone).

• Hugs strengthen the immune system, as the gentle pressure on the sternum creates an emotional charge activating the solar Plexus Chakra. This stimulates the thymus gland, which regulates and balances the body's production of white blood cells, keeping you healthy and disease free.

A hug a day, CAN keep the Dr. away!

Today we live in a fast paced, high stress world – where millions of us now live and love via our social mediums, with hundreds + friends on our Facebook, instagram, twitter networks, and yet somehow many of us are able to move through the entire day without having experienced one human-to-human, warm-bodied hug – isn’t that sad?

It’s cold and flu season again — so make sure you get plenty of sleep, get some extra vitamin C and… hug each other a little more! It’s that simple – Reach out and hug your partner, your friend, your co-worker, your family…and your life may not only feel better but last longer!

Tips on How to Understand Your Other Half

Did you know?

Boys find it more difficult than girls to calm themselves down once upset, so therefore work harder to avoid emotion in the first place.

We see this in marriages…

This pattern appears to be maintained in marital interactions, when married people argue; husbands show stronger and longer-lasting physiological arousal than wives. As a result, husbands tend to avoid marital conflicts, whereas wives are more willing to argue and confront their spouse with problems.

Contradictory to what you are lead to believe - women are not more emotional than men

Read my last blog to understand why the traditional stereotype of female emotionality is wrong. However there is an understandable basis for it with western society and culture placing men under more pressure to restrain from emotions and refrain from expressing feelings.

Men and women cope with the same bad moods in different ways

A general theory is that when feeling depressed, women frequently respond with rumination (thinking about the problem) where as men more commonly try to distract themselves with other thoughts or activities.

It’s suggested this may contribute to the higher rate of depression among women, as rumination about the reason behind feeling depressed is more likely to prolong the bad feelings than shifting the attention to something more cheerful such as a sport or hobby.

Men often seek to keep themselves busy doing some task or chore, which helps by not only taking the mind off trouble but allowing feelings of success and efficiency to foster if something useful can be achieved.

We consume different things…

Women tend to eat whilst men tend to drink in order to regulate moods. When seeking to feel better, women are more likely to go shopping or ring someone to talk about an issue. Whilst men are more likely than women to turn to humor to make light of the problem, and rate sexual activity as a successful method to improve their emotional state.

However this also leads to the belief women find hard to comprehend; when women want to talk, men want sex.

It’s suggested it does not necessarily mean the same emotions aren’t felt on either part, however due to cultures display rules, sex may of evolved as an appropriate and successful method of expression and release of emotion for men. This leads to the question…

Does sex mean the same for men and as it does for women?

Women create emotional intimacy through talk and self-disclosure, where-as men tend to do so through activity. In marriage, sex is often the activity that men use to create intimacy. It is argued that in most contemporary couples, wives do not count sex as communication or as a method for establishing intimacy.

Research has confirmed this difference; women would like for their male partners to be more emotionally communicative, and men would like more sex. This difference can produce a discrepancy in what each thinks is the level of communication in their relationship.

We aren’t talking the same language

The differences between men’s and women’s typical styles of communication have been proposed as a major source of conflict in marriage as it’s contended that men and women use different communication styles and strategies, even though goals and feelings are similar.

Communication is a major task for couples with many people believing women’s speech is more emotional than a man’s, and women are more likely to show sympathy and communicate their support in problem situations. However in a study in which men and women offered supportive communications, few differences appeared between men’s and women’s style of communication.

What can we learn from others mistakes

In regards to dissolving relationships, although divorced men and women both described failures to live up to their ideals, descriptions showed some variation. Both women and men saw failures in achieving emotional intimacy, but attributed the failures to different reasons.

Women tended to claim husbands had not talked nor shared feelings with them as they had expected, essentially there was no communication. Divorced men largely agreed with this assertion, blaming themselves for not communicating with their former wives, maintaining they had difficulties in talking about their feelings.

However divorced men also claimed their wives had failed to provide emotional support, which they tended to define as physical affection. The working class men repeatedly said that their wives were not waiting “with their arms open and a kiss” when the men came home from work. Such physical manifestations of intimacy were lacking, resulting in feelings that marriages were lacking emotional intimacy.

Understand, we are talking the same words in different languages

These gender related differences reflect the talk based-based versus action-based styles that are typical of women and men, suggesting however the differences may be due to cultures “display rules” which vary for each gender rather than a difference in emotion.

Consistent with highlighted research, however contrasting the prevalent stereotype of over emotional women in western culture, it has become apparent the need for new gender stereotypes to be evolved and accepted in society, especially in regards to increasing levels of depression and anxiety.

Such gender stereotypes that run more closely dictating the reality of the similarities in emotion that are experienced by both genders rather than the slight differences in expression that are exaggerated by the notion ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus’.

HELPFUL TIPS TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER

• Teach your children what you have learnt from reading this; breaking down stereotypes begins with them. Encourage your son’s it is OK to cry and talk about their emotions. Encourage your daughters to self regulate through sport or an activity where they will achieve a sense of efficiency rather than ruminating.

• If you are having trouble understanding your partner – ask them to read this. Ask if they agree or what their thoughts are – it might start a discussion.

• Ask you partner how you can make them feel loved? For some it is just being there, for others they need words, physical affection or it being demonstrated by a gesture (a good book to read is the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman to understand this more).

• In turn ask your partner how they show you they love you…

You may be surprised, your partner may have been putting in so much effort into loving you, but you have been deaf or blind to their language.

 Click here to find the studies mentioned in this issue

Are women really from Venus and men from Mars?

Breaking it down

Generally in our western world women are “stereotypically” known to be overwhelmed with feelings and to be more guided by them, in contrast to men who “stereotypically” make decisions based on cool, rational deliberation.

Our two emotional and communication styles have people all around the world questioning how can we be so different? Are women really from Venus and men from Mars?

We are prisoners of society

The culture you surround yourself with dictates what is “appropriate” expressions of emotions and consequently influences the differences we see between men and women portraying the same feelings in different ways.

These are called display rules - and are enriched in our culture. They are so deeply absorbed and indoctrinated by society that they have been led to the belief that there are true sex differences in relation to emotion.

What if I told you men were more emotional than women?

Contradictory to today’s gender stereotypes, research may even suggest that men might be slightly more emotional than women. Whereas women may be more willing to report their emotions and claim to have stronger feelings, social norms may put pressure on men to suppress their emotions and not admit to having the same strong feelings.

The stereotypes of overemotional women and restrained men are among the most prevalent in the United States. A study stereotyping of emotion showed a bias in identifying anger with men and not women. Participants tended to interpret women’s reactions as sadness rather than anger, and had trouble seeing women as angry, even when women’s expressions were clearly angry.

The tendency for women to cry when they feel angry has repetitively appeared in cross-cultural surveys of emotion and in studies in which women alone explored their emotion expressions. For women, crying is a common expression of emotion, even in response to anger. It is considered a more culturally appropriate means of expressing anger than physical aggression.

However, crying is discouraged among boys and consequently men are much less likely to cry than women. Indeed men often misinterpret women’s crying as sadness or grief, which would be inappropriate in situations that provoke anger. This tendency for women to cry in situations in which men would not, may provide an explanation as to why women receive the label of “overemotional”.

The greater emotionality of women may be an illusion, the traditional view that women are more emotional and talk more, has also proven to be false. The smallest of gender differences are depicted, in which comparatively highlights (would you believe it) male’s tendency to talk more!

Why Men are more Emotional than Women

1. Men fall in love faster than women

2. Men have more experiences than women of loving someone that doesn’t love them back

3. When a love relationship breaks up men suffer more intense emotional distress than women

4. Men have more traditional concepts of love and marriage and are more romantic than women

5. Men are more likely to have romantic beliefs such as “Love lasts forever” and “there is one perfect love in the world for everyone.”

6. Women however are more likely to report physical symptoms of being in love, such as feeling like they are “floating on a cloud”

7. Boys find it more difficult than girls to calm themselves down once upset, so therefore work harder to avoid emotion in the first place

The traditional stereotype of female emotionality is wrong.

However there is an understandable basis for it with western society and culture placing men under more pressure to restrain from emotions and refrain from expressing feelings.

 I will let these facts resonate with you, in the meantime keep your eyes out for part 2 of this issue – learning specifically the psychology on how to understand your other half!

If you want to know more or read the psychological scientific journals yourself ?

 Click Here to find the list of studies mentioned in this issue

Letting Go and Dealing with Breakups

Letting Go by Life Above Zero

The Breakup - Letting Go 101

““That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt” ”

— John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

YOU’LL BE IN PAIN

Yes, it hurts. Unfortunately, pain does not discriminate. It affects us all: the elderly, children, men, women, the rich and the poor. Every race in every country, in every town or city or village is subject to pain.

The pain of stubbing a toe, the pain of a broken bone or a split lip. Then there is a different kind of pain, which is not tangible, not as obvious to others as a sling or bruise.

BIG GIRLS CRY

Girls get it over and done with. Generally, we accept that the fairer sex, women, tend to talk about when they’re in emotional pain. Women cry and talk and cry some more and analyse their break up from every angle so it can be resolved.

Research has identified that women do fall in love faster; ironically they also get over relationships faster than their male counterparts.

…BOYS CRY TOO?! 

Sorry guys, you suck at moving on. Men, at the end of a relationship tend to (on average, according to research - apologies for the generalisation to those emotionally intelligent blokes reading) revert to wearing a façade. Men will say they’re OK, and genuinely believe that for some time.

They will distract themselves with anything they can get their hands on - mates, alcohol, sport, gym, work and casual sex for a few months. This is partly why the suicide rate is higher amongst men, but that is a discussion for another day.

Eventually, when their façade begins to weaken, their pain creeps up and surprises them. Finding themselves being faced with a failed relationship will push a man to one of two conclusions.

1. Man realises he really is happier without Sally. He goes about his business and meets Jill.

2. Man realises he really isn’t ok. He realises he’s made a mistake and usually by this time Sally has moved on and is now dating Jack.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB

Failed relationships - we all have them. Gen Y, we’ve come up with a brilliant foolproof plan for moving on (excuse the sarcasm);

• You explained to them how you felt and the need for the clean break - because we are all mature adults who can handle talking about emotions right?

• You cut them out of your life - let’s be honest, you blocked them on Facebook but are using your best friends account to keep an eye on them.

• You are moving forward with your life… well you’re trying to and are hoping that whoever you’ve left behind is seeing all your fabulous Instagram posts about how well you’re doing without them.

JUST STOP…

What you’re doing is not working. These are all appropriate and relevant steps and congratulations for being decisive enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. However, as much as I would like to tell you you are on your way….I am sorry to say you are not. The crazy Facebook stalking and forced smile in your Instagram selfie isn’t fooling anyone, including yourself.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!

The “…but’s”, “…what if’s” & “…I should have’s” are making you crazy. It’s a slow process, but you will get there. Firstly, we need to explore your thinking. The reason people have trouble letting go of relationships are usually the huge questions of ‘WHY’ and ‘WHAT IF’. Generally there is still resentment or disbelief as to how one party fell short of the others expectations, or because there is unfinished business. This can have very negative effects on your mindset and wellbeing.

RESENTMENT.

Let it go. As the famous Nelson Mandala states “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies”, wasting energy hating another person is not doing you any favours.

If they did something to hurt you why are you the one who is being punished feeling all this hate? If they haven’t been bothered enough to address and solve the situation, you allowing them to consume your energy is having no affect on them.

You lie awake thinking of your situation. They are sleeping just fine. The only thing you are doing is closing yourself off from all the gifts the universe is trying to give to you, if only you were present. Allow your past to make you better, not bitter.

EXPECTATIONS.

Expect things only of yourself, that way you cannot be disappointed. A wise woman (my beautiful mother) once told me not to place my own expectations onto someone else. The old saying ‘treating others how you would like to be treated’ still stands during the break down of a relationship. I know you don’t want to, but give your best anyway.

Unfortunately there are no rules or textbook dictating each role in a relationship and there certainly aren’t any rules during the ending of a relationship. You have to just learn and move forward. At least next time you’ll allocate your energies accordingly.

IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

It’s tough to believe, but generally a break up affects both of you. Try to be mindful of how the other person feels, just because things have ended between you does not make them a bad person.

Maybe they were brought up with different family values, maybe their culture doesn’t hold the same beliefs or meaning, maybe they have been hurt before and you are just witnessing their carefully critiqued coping mechanism.

YOU’VE DONE ALL YOU CAN

There is probably nothing more you can do to fix the situation. All you can do is acknowledge you did all you were willing to at the time; you were the best person you could be. Simply understand it happened and dwelling on it, re-living it, ruminating on every little detail won’t change anything.

You only prevent yourself from closing a chapter and getting closer to your happy-ever-after. So let go of the negative energy. Let go of the hate. Let go of the heavy burden. Forgive them, not because they deserve it, but because you do.

BUT WHAT IF I HAD…?

You’ve done all you can. So, the unfinished business…the “what if?” What if what? This is one I hear over and over again. Insert your excuse: timing, priorities, work, travelling, etc.

If you were to be brutally honest with yourself, if you both truly wanted it you would both be fighting for it, now! So write down every reason you’re telling yourself is the excuse for the prolonged clean break.

Once you have written them all down – imagine each of those excuses being as you want them to be. How do you feel now? I am confident you still won’t feel ready to commit.

That’s because; yes you like them, you like the comfort you find in them - its not enough. Be honest to yourself – you like them, or maybe they like you, but not enough.

THE CHAPTER IS OVER.

Closure. It’s something so many women yearn for and I swear so many men would benefit from were it socially acceptable for men to talk about feelings (we are closer than any other generation when it comes to men and their feelings - Gen Y give yourself a pat on the back).

This is such a powerful step for moving forward. You need to have already sat and made peace with your thoughts and acknowledged your feelings. Once you have explored your feelings – I am sure you will have some questions.

Why did they hurt me? Did I do something wrong? Did they not understand me?

After the chaos has cleared, and you can muster up the courage to talk to the other party without your heart dropping to your stomach or breaking down into tears –ask them those questions.

Ask for some honest feedback. Maybe it was you, maybe it was them. There is no such thing as failure in life, just lessons – and that includes relationships too.

Learn from past mistakes – grow – love – live. BUT IT’S NOT THAT EASY! It will get easier. I know there’s probably many of you reading this thinking ‘yes if only it was that easy’. Or maybe you have tried all the above and still can’t let go. And that’s Ok - You got burnt. Bad.

But as cliché as it sounds, you can’t have the rainbow without the rain. Would you rather have loved and lost than to never know what it felt like to love and be loved in return?

I STILL CAN’T LET GO

Remember, you’re in control of you. OK, OK – here is a sneaky psychology trick to help. You are in charge of your thoughts and with that, you can control your reality.

STEP 1

Challenge your schemas (sorry about the jargon, schemas are mental representations you create based on information provided by life experience then stored in your memory).

All the things they may have done to upset you, intentional or not, tie it up in parcel in your memory. That’s one schema. Throw it away. It happened. It hurt. It left you with a scar, but you grew from it.

STEP 2

Now, think of all the good memories, the innocence, the smiles, the laughter, the belonging, the friendship…don’t tie that up. Scatter them in a mental scrapbook with bright vibrant stick it notes, like little reminders of the fun.

When you think of them, when you hear their name, when a song comes on that reminds you of them, look back at your mental scrapbook of all the great memories and smile. Never ever regret something that once made you smile.

You can’t just wake up one morning and not love someone anymore – and if you can it wasn’t love. Acknowledge and give yourself permission to admit you loved them, you will always love them but you’re no longer in love with them.

Radiate positive energy, be grateful for your time with them and hope wherever they are they are happy, just as you deserve to be happy, and finally let them go.