Domestic Violence...lets talk about it.
Recently I’ve been chatting with you all about some of the things we discuss in my book. But this week, I wanted to talk about something that was on my heart 💖 I find it pretty hard to be open and honest about some things in my life when I’m struggling with others.
THAT’S WHY I WANTED TO COME HERE TODAY TO TALK ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 👇
Recently I’ve been chatting with you all about some of the things we discuss in my book. But this week, I wanted to talk about something that was on my heart 💖 I find it pretty hard to be open and honest about some things in my life when I’m struggling with others.
That’s why I wanted to come here today to talk about domestic violence 👇
I recently attended a beautiful fundraiser for Kelly Wilkinson. You may have heard her story recently on the news if you’re in Australia. Kelly was a Mum of three beautiful children on the Gold Coast and her husband murdered her 💔 Her sister has five children and now looks after Kelly’s three kids, which means she’s got eight kids at home now!
Image Credit: Lauren Kerr babes in business ocean side
Sadly… I know it’s not a unique story.
Did you know one in six women experience physical or sexual abuse from someone in their household between the ages of 15 and older?
I have so many lovely ladies part of my community, subscribed to my newsletter, listening to our podcast and following me on Instagram in this demographic, making it super close to home ❤️ It’s even closer to home for me because I used to work in child protection services and met women every single day that were going through domestic violence. I saw how it happens…and even sadder what keeps them in those situations. 😭
During my time working in this space, I found it super tricky to disconnect 😅 I found it really hard to carry on with my day and have people worrying about the littlest things when there were other women just around the corner going to bed each night literally fearing for their life 🙁 A lot of the women in these situations also have kids… and that brought a whole new level of worry too 😭
In the child safety industry, we always stood by the fact that child safety is everybody’s business. I truly believe it’s the same with domestic violence too. It’s super intimate because it usually happens under the roof of a home, and it’s hidden by closed doors, which means many people don’t hear about it or know much about it 🙅♀️
Rather than talking about how we can change the world, let’s shift the focus to how you can change your world – your little piece of your world. Who are the people in your life that might need your support? 💫
We can all do our part to recognize the warning signs
No person wakes up one day and thinks, “I’m going to murder my partner today”. It’s always an escalating process, and there are so many warning signs along the way. Although we can often sense that something is wrong from the outside, it’s such a taboo subject that we don’t know how to deal with it or what to say 🤷♀️
When we think about the fact that 1 in 6 women go through this, it’s inevitable that someone in your world is in this situation 🤔 But the other scary thing, is that the perpetrator is someone you know too. It could be your mate, brother, dad, colleague or acquaintance, but it’s an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling to tackle and even more so - conversation to have. So most of us avoid it. 😱
Standing on the outside, there are many behaviours that we can pick up on to identify these situations.
A common phrase is that women experiencing these situations become “a shell of themselves”.
She may stop going out, her energy drops, and she becomes more reserved.
Another thing to know is that women in these situations often push people away.
Often when girlfriends are needed the most, they step back and think that they’re being blocked out.
As a woman, the best thing you can do when you notice these things is not to become a victim blamer and just to be there.
Continue to check-in and show up – even if that person shuts you out 💖Just be there.
Ask questions – do they have somewhere safe to go? Do they have someone they can call for help?
Image Credit: Lauren Kerr babes in business on the beach in the afternoon
Sitting on the Sidelines
I have two brothers that are always around other guys at work and play AFL, and I have a husband that is a CEO of his company (so an influence and role model for his own male staff) and he used to play rugby so is constantly surrounded by men.
There are conversations that I have heard over the years amongst men via them that have happened at work, on the sporting sidelines, at the gym or at training that are simply not okay. Sometimes it’s played off as humour but saying really derogatory things about women is just not acceptable.
The problem with just being a bystander and not stepping in is that these perpetrators start to think that it’s okay, and normalise their thoughts and behaviour… and they not only get away with it 🙅♀️ but continue to strengthen their beliefs which reinforces their behaviour.
We need to shift this way of thinking to make any real change in the community. It’s about transforming their thinking. If you hear a male say something that really doesn’t sit well with you, we need to step in instead of laughing along (or avoiding it and turning the other way because it’s uncomfortable). It doesn’t mean we have to start a fight, but simply pulling them up shows them where the line is.
Domestic Violence isn’t always Physical Abuse
Sometimes it’s when there is an imbalance of power and control. A lot of the time, the way men end up controlling women is through money. When men hold money over women, they loose their freedom, their power, their independence and autonomy. They have to start asking permission to do things, go places and see people.
Without money, they become separated from their community, their family and their freedom 😢…which is also where they loose their safety net. They get cut off from people which means loved one’s can’t see or notice the abuse to be able to report it or offer help or emotional support.
If the man controls the money, more often than not it means when she is out socialising - its also with him which makes it even harder for her to ask for help and adds to the illusion thats everything’s ok because they are showing up together. Sometimes his behaviour may come across chivalrous - when really it’s controlling, manipulative and stalkerish.
This is why I am so passionate about empowering women with their own income stream from home. It's not a luxury - it’s our safety and insurance. Download my free ebook if you would love to read some more statistics around women and wealth and how you can be empowered with your own finances and future.
Image Credit: Lauren Kerr babes in business mindset facts
Men Holding Money over Women’s Heads
When you hear comments about men controlling the money or notice situations like this, it can be as simple as asking: How does your partner feel about this?
Girls are much more likely to do this with other women in their life, but we need to encourage more men to do this and engage in this conversation with men - showing empathy and respect for women as equal partners 🙏
They say we’re the result of the five people we spend the most time with, so it’s important to consider what influence you can have on the people in your life too…
You can make a difference…
Stepping in can also be as simple as just sharing openly how you treat your partner as an equal, how you communicate with your partner, how you manage finances as a couple and even how you manage your own emotions, including stress, jealousy and anger. By speaking about meditation, journaling, or exercise to control emotion, rather than physical or emotional manipulation as an outlet, men can drive change by leading by example. It all starts with open conversations.
Stepping in when you need to is so important
If you are worried about someone and there’s just something that intuitively doesn’t feel right, you need to speak up. If someone in your social circle makes a really inappropriate joke and you just avoid it because it’s easier. Your silence is making it easier for the perpetrator.
They are getting the message it’s ok. It is normal to think like that. No one is telling them that’s disrespectful or holding them accountable… you’re giving them permission. Please don’t stay quiet. Challenge their perspective and say something.
Men …
I really believe it starts with you too. Don’t join in on the banter when one of your mates is saying derogatory things about his partner. Opening that conversation can be as simple as saying – I don’t find that funny, that doesn’t sit well with me or that sounds a little bit controlling.
As I said at the start of this blog, I find it really hard to just go on with my day when I know there are things like this happening in the world around me all the time. We can all do something to be part of change, or at least influence change in our own small world. I have a platform and audience so I figured let’s use it to start a conversation about something that is relevant and affects all of us in some way.
Women…
So this weeks blog is a different energy to usual but trust me when I say my head is always in the clouds dreaming and being positive…but my feet are planted firmly on the ground and I know what the reality is for a lot of women around the world which is massive driver behind what I do - empowering women with community, support, self worth, financial literacy and their own money.
If you’re going through a situation like this, I just want to let you know that you’re not alone and there are definitely support services that can help you. But it’s also up to us – everyday people – to make the change too.
Please know my inbox is always open if you would like to chat…
Sending all my love, light and strength
P.S We hosted a free event this week where we spoke about how we are empowering women all around the world with financial independence if you would love to to watch the replay here. If it resonates with you on any level - please reach out.
Tips on How to Understand Your Other Half
Did you know?
Boys find it more difficult than girls to calm themselves down once upset, so therefore work harder to avoid emotion in the first place.
We see this in marriages…
This pattern appears to be maintained in marital interactions, when married people argue; husbands show stronger and longer-lasting physiological arousal than wives. As a result, husbands tend to avoid marital conflicts, whereas wives are more willing to argue and confront their spouse with problems.
Contradictory to what you are lead to believe - women are not more emotional than men
Read my last blog to understand why the traditional stereotype of female emotionality is wrong. However there is an understandable basis for it with western society and culture placing men under more pressure to restrain from emotions and refrain from expressing feelings.
Men and women cope with the same bad moods in different ways
A general theory is that when feeling depressed, women frequently respond with rumination (thinking about the problem) where as men more commonly try to distract themselves with other thoughts or activities.
It’s suggested this may contribute to the higher rate of depression among women, as rumination about the reason behind feeling depressed is more likely to prolong the bad feelings than shifting the attention to something more cheerful such as a sport or hobby.
Men often seek to keep themselves busy doing some task or chore, which helps by not only taking the mind off trouble but allowing feelings of success and efficiency to foster if something useful can be achieved.
We consume different things…
Women tend to eat whilst men tend to drink in order to regulate moods. When seeking to feel better, women are more likely to go shopping or ring someone to talk about an issue. Whilst men are more likely than women to turn to humor to make light of the problem, and rate sexual activity as a successful method to improve their emotional state.
However this also leads to the belief women find hard to comprehend; when women want to talk, men want sex.
It’s suggested it does not necessarily mean the same emotions aren’t felt on either part, however due to cultures display rules, sex may of evolved as an appropriate and successful method of expression and release of emotion for men. This leads to the question…
Does sex mean the same for men and as it does for women?
Women create emotional intimacy through talk and self-disclosure, where-as men tend to do so through activity. In marriage, sex is often the activity that men use to create intimacy. It is argued that in most contemporary couples, wives do not count sex as communication or as a method for establishing intimacy.
Research has confirmed this difference; women would like for their male partners to be more emotionally communicative, and men would like more sex. This difference can produce a discrepancy in what each thinks is the level of communication in their relationship.
We aren’t talking the same language
The differences between men’s and women’s typical styles of communication have been proposed as a major source of conflict in marriage as it’s contended that men and women use different communication styles and strategies, even though goals and feelings are similar.
Communication is a major task for couples with many people believing women’s speech is more emotional than a man’s, and women are more likely to show sympathy and communicate their support in problem situations. However in a study in which men and women offered supportive communications, few differences appeared between men’s and women’s style of communication.
What can we learn from others mistakes
In regards to dissolving relationships, although divorced men and women both described failures to live up to their ideals, descriptions showed some variation. Both women and men saw failures in achieving emotional intimacy, but attributed the failures to different reasons.
Women tended to claim husbands had not talked nor shared feelings with them as they had expected, essentially there was no communication. Divorced men largely agreed with this assertion, blaming themselves for not communicating with their former wives, maintaining they had difficulties in talking about their feelings.
However divorced men also claimed their wives had failed to provide emotional support, which they tended to define as physical affection. The working class men repeatedly said that their wives were not waiting “with their arms open and a kiss” when the men came home from work. Such physical manifestations of intimacy were lacking, resulting in feelings that marriages were lacking emotional intimacy.
Understand, we are talking the same words in different languages
These gender related differences reflect the talk based-based versus action-based styles that are typical of women and men, suggesting however the differences may be due to cultures “display rules” which vary for each gender rather than a difference in emotion.
Consistent with highlighted research, however contrasting the prevalent stereotype of over emotional women in western culture, it has become apparent the need for new gender stereotypes to be evolved and accepted in society, especially in regards to increasing levels of depression and anxiety.
Such gender stereotypes that run more closely dictating the reality of the similarities in emotion that are experienced by both genders rather than the slight differences in expression that are exaggerated by the notion ‘men are from Mars and women are from Venus’.
HELPFUL TIPS TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER
Teach your children what you have learnt from reading this; breaking down stereotypes begins with them. Encourage your son’s it is OK to cry and talk about their emotions. Encourage your daughters to self regulate through sport or an activity where they will achieve a sense of efficiency rather than ruminating.
If you are having trouble understanding your partner – ask them to read this. Ask if they agree or what their thoughts are – it might start a discussion.
Ask you partner how you can make them feel loved? For some it is just being there, for others they need words, physical affection or it being demonstrated by a gesture (a good book to read is the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman to understand this more).
In turn ask your partner how they show you they love you…
